Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize