Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
