Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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