You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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