so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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