the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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