I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dicks are not precious.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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