I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
