I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
