brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My life is pants optional.
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