remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
