i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
