I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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