I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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