I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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