Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
