I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize