if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
