I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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