He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
