Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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