On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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