i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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