I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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