can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
