My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
