I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
