I'm lost and stupid without you.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
