I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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