I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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