i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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