Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
