There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
