So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I queefed so loud it echoed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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