I'm gonna have a badass scar
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Randomize
