I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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