I can text with my tongue
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
