Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
