we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
