I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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