I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
