when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it's like heaven, but drunker
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
