I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
