True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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