you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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