I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
