just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
