If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
