HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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