Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
