the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
