I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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