you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
