The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize