Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
