the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
