I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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