I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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