Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
